“Stand by for another breakdown
Sound off the alarm
Is this the chameleon boy
I swore I wouldn’t become?”

So it happens every so often that I get depressed and stuff. Generally I can point to what’s bringing me down, and I honestly think that this time it’s simply a few too many disappointments coupled with overwork. However, thanks to my wonderful social psych class I can see where I am at in the cycle of depression. It’s good in its own way to realize that I am realizing where I am headed, that’s supposed to be like the first step right?

Anyhow. I am starting to shove people away, people are irritating the crap out of me and I just want to be left alone. I am withdrawing and isolating. This is the last thing I want to do, because if I let myself withdraw, I am only going to get worse. So I am forcing myself to be around people and I am trying not to want to kill them. Ha.

This weekend me and Baz and Megs went to a gaming convention. Every day my NXP goes up by 10. (NXP nerd experience points) Pretty soon I will be a level 15 nerd mage. LMAO. Maybe no one gets that joke, but I think it’s funny. Megan one a miniature figure painting competition and we bought several fun games to take home as well as some nerdgirl fan art. There was this one design I found myself really liking, a phoenix. It was really pretty and I was admiring how well the artist did the gradient (up until they admitted to using photoshop, then I kind of lost interest. so sue me)

The phoenix was really pretty and I was thinking to myself that I am kind of like a phoenix: whatever life throws at me, I pick myself up and dust myself off and live to see another day, generally a bit better for the previous trial by fire.

However, I began thinking about the concept of the phoenix and found that the last thing I want to be is a phoenix. Think about it, a phoenix live, muddles along, bursts into flame, and is reborn out of its ashes. However, it just goes on to repeat that cycle. Over and over and over, ad infinitum. It never learns how to keep itself from bursting into flames in the first place.

I like that I am able to pick up the pieces, but frankly, I’d like to be able to stop having to pick up the pieces, if you know what I mean.

School has been fast fast fast! Oh and busy! and work’s been going great too!!

But the major news– via ravelry via a woman at starbucks I have found a knitting group and a new yarn store (yeaaaaaah baby). I am in weird love with the knitting group– imagine having a knitting group you can bring your husband to!

I am tired all the time and just don’t want to do anything this week. However, today I went to my sister’s house and we made sun jars with the kids. You take the light unit from a Malibu lamp and stick it in a jar. That’s pretty much it. We frosted the inside of the jars, and with the kids we let them color the jars up with Crayola window markers before we frosted them. 2 of the 4 malibu light parts worked, the remaining had soldering issues– we hope to fix them tomorrow.

I joined Lotus Knits’s Punk Rock Sock Club, since I am enjoying knitting my dragon scales socks.

does anyone still read this?

I had my meeting with advising yesterday so I know what’s going down for Spring quarter. Midterms are already around the corner, and I am just loving all of this book learning. I hardly have time to get bored.

i will check in again soon, promise

Here’s a teaser pic:

It is from Debbie @ www.knittingladybug.blogspot.com and full of so many goodies! Thank you so very much Debbie for being my angel– I will post more tomorrow.

(also a thank you to Jenean from witherspooncabin, she was the coordinator of the hsks2 swap and she sent me a package too!)

anyhow. Every day for the last three and a half months I have been eyeing my mailbox with hopeful eyeballs just like the rest of the people in the secret pal 11. hahahaha

fuck that

why? because my pal *cough* not only stood me up but she fucking straight up lied.  I don’t care if I am cussing I am having a slew of bad days and spending the day @ the getty supposedly with my husband (only he chose to stay in a room while I entertained megan and then it was time to go home and yet no one understands why this might hurt my feelings) coming home to find out that apparently I haven’t been responding to my secret pal’s letters and that is why she hasn’t purchased anything for me just… did it for me.

My sister says I am overreacting, but you know? I know that secret pal bs isn’t the be all and end all. But when a person who signs up for a 3 month thing can’t even find time for you and your husband doesn’t want to spend time with you and your whole family is going to disneyland early (which apparently was my suggestion– even though I said for the kid’s birthdays 1/24 and 2/14 NOT CHRISTMAS) so that we don’t actually have to get together for christmas——-

anyhow:

CLICK HERE TO READ THE SUPPOSEDLY NEVER SENT MAILS and see why maybe I quit and don’t ever want to sign up for a secret pal swap, sock kit swap like the hogwarts one that not only never got sent to me but the swap coordinator hasn’t replied either (of course… I should have had my package in JUNE/JULY) and the crap with the kvvs…….  

I have several recurring dreams. Sometimes they are more like a ‘theme’ than an actual recurring dream.

* I dream that somehow I am being cut off from my family and that my mother (and or dad) is yelling at me. Generally this dream happens when I am upset or anxious about something.

* I dream that once again I am in England, and everything looks familiar but isn’t quite right. I spend the bulk of my time running down streets on estates looking at the grim faces of council homes trying to find my way to Mare Street. Who knows what this means. Just for the hell of it– since I was on google maps for england, here’s my old house and here’s my inlaws’s new domicile.

* I dream of my grandma. When megan was younger if I was asleep and dreamed of my grandma, I would awaken to find my daughter wide awake and on the verge of some terrible mishap– which I always rescued her from. (nothing truly terrible… more like mischievous) Now when I dream of her it is the same old sadness that I had before Megan came into my life (when dreaming of grandma). Megan was named for my grandma, well her middle name anyways. Though she is not related to my grandma by blood, you would swear that she was, not through looks but actions. As an infant and nonspeaking toddler, if anyone spoke ill of my grandma in Megan’s presence they would be glared at mightily and spurned for the rest of the day. Grandma passed away in 97, Megan was born in 2000.

* I dream of home invasion robberies and being kidnapped and generally escaping. This is not a worry thing this is a psychological thing I think, since I was kidnapped by my father at age 3 and someone I had never met before helped him. These dreams used to come at least once or twice a year and I haven’t had one in over a year or more.

* I dream my house is burning down. Luckily I only dream this in a new residence. I don’t dream it when I am sleeping somewhere strange, only on the first night of living in a new place. It’s very wierd.

* I dream of nuclear apocalypse. Of watching the bombs hit far from where I am and seeing the destruction. Sometimes I dream of dogfights above me in the skies as the bombs rain down. Sometimes I see the missiles going up and am so close to them that I feel the heat of the rocket fuel from their thrusters. It’s a very disturbing dream.

for my birthday I went out to red lobster with my sister, daughter, and nephew. It was nice. My husband forgot to wish me a happy birthday (he is in another hotel and working on that, his movie, and a new project) I finally gave up waiting for him and said “are you going to wish me a happy birthday?” and he got realllllly quiet and said ‘happy. birthday.’

I had to go to 3 different places to find a birthday cake.

and I have had a killer migraine all day.

I’m going to bed so I can wake up and being ignored etc will be par for the course and not sting quite so much.

Thank you to April and Jennifer for wishing me happy birthday.