“Stand by for another breakdown
Sound off the alarm
Is this the chameleon boy
I swore I wouldn’t become?”
So it happens every so often that I get depressed and stuff. Generally I can point to what’s bringing me down, and I honestly think that this time it’s simply a few too many disappointments coupled with overwork. However, thanks to my wonderful social psych class I can see where I am at in the cycle of depression. It’s good in its own way to realize that I am realizing where I am headed, that’s supposed to be like the first step right?
Anyhow. I am starting to shove people away, people are irritating the crap out of me and I just want to be left alone. I am withdrawing and isolating. This is the last thing I want to do, because if I let myself withdraw, I am only going to get worse. So I am forcing myself to be around people and I am trying not to want to kill them. Ha.
This weekend me and Baz and Megs went to a gaming convention. Every day my NXP goes up by 10. (NXP nerd experience points) Pretty soon I will be a level 15 nerd mage. LMAO. Maybe no one gets that joke, but I think it’s funny. Megan one a miniature figure painting competition and we bought several fun games to take home as well as some nerdgirl fan art. There was this one design I found myself really liking, a phoenix. It was really pretty and I was admiring how well the artist did the gradient (up until they admitted to using photoshop, then I kind of lost interest. so sue me)
The phoenix was really pretty and I was thinking to myself that I am kind of like a phoenix: whatever life throws at me, I pick myself up and dust myself off and live to see another day, generally a bit better for the previous trial by fire.
However, I began thinking about the concept of the phoenix and found that the last thing I want to be is a phoenix. Think about it, a phoenix live, muddles along, bursts into flame, and is reborn out of its ashes. However, it just goes on to repeat that cycle. Over and over and over, ad infinitum. It never learns how to keep itself from bursting into flames in the first place.
I like that I am able to pick up the pieces, but frankly, I’d like to be able to stop having to pick up the pieces, if you know what I mean.