something has to give... is it me?
i hate the way meds make me feel. loopy and strange, fuzzy and out of focus. more importantly i hate how they make me think and act and basically change who i am.
the only time i ever seriously consider divorcing my husband is when i am on psychiatric medication. this worries me. am i happy with him only when i am not sane? or is it that when i am hopped up on meds i just dont give a fuck any more and not giving a fuck makes me wish i was alone. because i do.
here's a secret:
today i wish i wasn't married and didn't have a baby. i wish i was all alone. i even wished my dog would be gone.
it started simple, i wished my husband would just shut up. but then i thought, i just wish he was far far away from me. then i was like... and i wish he took Megan too. (here's another thing, the more depressed i am the more i am likely to call her 'the baby' instead of by her name; i think this means something but, not being a psych major i wouldn't know) for five solid minutes i actually fervently dreamed of running into my livingroom and saying, 'get the hell out and take her with you.' then i wished that someone would come kidnap my dogs or that they'd get out and run away or that my husband would take them with him. and then; shameful as this is i wished they were all dead. I don't want to kill them; I am not homicidal although at this moment in time I think there's a big YET looming somewhere beside me... I hate this.
I hate feeling like I do. I feel inadequate and ugly. i can barely stand the sound of my own voice much less the sight of myself in a mirror. yet yesterday I was FINE!! I was awesome, I sparkled, I was great... but today i am back to being sucky. life sucks and i suck with it.
how do you know when you want a divorce?