something has to give... is it me?

i hate the way meds make me feel. loopy and strange, fuzzy and out of focus. more importantly i hate how they make me think and act and basically change who i am.

the only time i ever seriously consider divorcing my husband is when i am on psychiatric medication. this worries me. am i happy with him only when i am not sane? or is it that when i am hopped up on meds i just dont give a fuck any more and not giving a fuck makes me wish i was alone. because i do.

here's a secret:

today i wish i wasn't married and didn't have a baby. i wish i was all alone. i even wished my dog would be gone.

it started simple, i wished my husband would just shut up. but then i thought, i just wish he was far far away from me. then i was like... and i wish he took Megan too. (here's another thing, the more depressed i am the more i am likely to call her 'the baby' instead of by her name; i think this means something but, not being a psych major i wouldn't know) for five solid minutes i actually fervently dreamed of running into my livingroom and saying, 'get the hell out and take her with you.' then i wished that someone would come kidnap my dogs or that they'd get out and run away or that my husband would take them with him. and then; shameful as this is i wished they were all dead. I don't want to kill them; I am not homicidal although at this moment in time I think there's a big YET looming somewhere beside me... I hate this.

I hate feeling like I do. I feel inadequate and ugly. i can barely stand the sound of my own voice much less the sight of myself in a mirror. yet yesterday I was FINE!! I was awesome, I sparkled, I was great... but today i am back to being sucky. life sucks and i suck with it.

how do you know when you want a divorce?

I have recieved a bunch of stuff! I can't wait to show you--- but right now I am supposed to be back on the road and heading towards the set... once again. I am tired, but this has been a blast and totally worth it!

angela

So we are making a movie. My heart thrills every time I think about it. "We're making a movie." Actually, we began production yesterday with a very grueling nighttime shoot after an even more grueling afternoon of hurry up and wait. It was awesome! No knitting but I did go to a spinning class and I will soon have a picture of the spinning wheel up. BUT back to the task at hand...

We're making a movie. Today was day two of production. We shot the daytime scenes of the kids coming to the hotel, Alex(the ONLY girl) talking with the hotel manager, and some of the inside the hotel stuff. Then in the evening we shot the villian coming into the hotel and checking in. Our the hotel manager/clerk guy failed to show up for his second call so we couldn't do the bit where his throat gets torn out... I was waiting for that too!!

Between shopping (there is a seemingly endless list of things to get for a movie, even when you overprepare something always comes up... flypaper, antspray, red food dye...) chasing after the MonsterMegs(aka my daughter) and attempting to feed a horde of people I also got to watch some special effects in the making... so so so cool. They painted a head and gave it hair for one scene, made a ton of blood for some more scenes--but we need MORE!! More I say--and did a live cast mold of our badguy for the finale, which we will later blow up! How cool is that?

I am tired, but having a blast. I leave you with some pictures...

This guy is scary looking! I wish I had taken a picture of him in costume... he was awesome. There were a few times that he gave us the creeps (excellent for a horror movie, no?) All in all though, he was a very nice guy and was also very sweet. When not in character he always had a smile on his face. That was cool.

This is the hotel we are staying at and filming at. I love this sign, looks great at night when it is all lit up. The rooms are shabby with walls made of whitewashed cinderblock. The only way we could have gotten a better "scary, deserted hotel in the middle of nowhere" would have been to build it ourselves somewhere and even then it would have lacked the distinct authenticity that this place has. If I were a lone traveller who had to stop for a night, I would be driving further on down the road if I saw this place. I will post a picture of one of the bathrooms and you will see why... oh yes, and the indistinct blobs are, from right to left: Nick Sveen playing Guy, Richard Cabrerra playing Mark, dh playing the director, and Lizzie Webster playing Alex. :)

Ok, so this is a non-knitty thing. No knitting whatsoever. Just drooling.

A long, long time ago when I was dating Barry before we got married, he told me about this show, Buffy The Vampire Slayer. I thought, "Oh, I have heard about this, I even remember the movie... let's check it out." On our first anniversary he bought me some Buffy jewelry, a really pretty cross necklace and some earrings. So we like Buffy. But the series ended awhile back and we weren't watching on all that regular a basis. We missed 1/2 of season 6 and most of season 7. (Getting to the point here, promise)

Right. So. The first time I saw Buffy and Spike making the nasty together I was kind of grossed out and completely full of selfrighteous indignation concerning the Buffy/Spike vs Buffy/Angel. Angel was Buffy's true love, Spike was just a possuer... blah blah blah ad nauseum.

But through the miracle of a mere semblance of maturity and reruns on satellite tv (not to mention--- the compete show, all 7 seasons on dvd) I have been able to readjust my opinion on the Buffy/Spike thing. And this is my conclusion:

Buffy and Spike make a hell of a lot more sense than Buffy and Angel. Number one reason... people rarely ever marry our very first "serious (read: sexually intimate)" partner. Ah to be 16 and in love. With a hunky, moody older guy like Angel. But come on, all he ever did was jack around with her head and then he left. So long, see you later I am off to have vampire babies with the vamp who turned me.

Spike loves Buffy. Angel was cursed with a soul-- Spike fought to get one back. And then he gave his life to save hers. I didn't see Angel doing that. Or anything of that magnitude. Sigh. These are fictional characters I know... but...

What makes the show so amazing to me is that unlike so many other shows that start out in High School, the switch to adulthood doesn't quite... work. Think Boy Meets World. Cory was cute but as a college student the pratfalls and tricks were lame and he was still pretty much Cory from Jr High. BUT... on BTVS they matured, they dealt with situations that would change you and did leave them changed. I love it for that. I am not being eloquent or at this point even articulate but there you go... call it sleep deprivation...

and one last thing.

I don't care if the guy who played Spike is older than my dad-- he's still hot. ;)

So the other day this showed up in my mailbox:

don't forget to click to enlarge!

It's a little paper crane from Julie at http://stoneview.typepad.com and it's my first RAOK! Yeah. It really cheered me up, made me feel happy, and reminded me of a story I read awhile back, about a little girl named Sadako . It's a sad story but one of hope too... very pretty. So, thank you Julie, it cheered me up alot!

Then today I got to see one of my favorite episodes of Buffy The Vampire Slayer, "Once More, With Feeling" the one where they go all Rogers and Hammerstein. I like it because I love musicals, but also because they did something really, really cool with all the characters, getting them to come out and share what was going on in the backstory, like really meaty stuff, without being campy or overly narrative. Instead they did it with song and it came off beautifully; my two favorite songs are "Under Your Spell" and "Give Me Something To Sing About" with "I'll Never Tell" a close third. So of course I went to iTunes to see if it was available... and now it's going to be playing on my iPod. ;) yay!

I'll leave you with a shot of cuteness:

So I was over at Miss Julie's blog and saw the what kind of knitting needle are you quiz. Here's my
result:



You are interchangeable.
Fun, free, and into everything, you've got every
eventuality covered and every opportunity just
has to be taken. Every fiber is wonderful, and
every day is a new beginning. You are good at
so many things, it's amazing, but you can
easily lose your place and forget to show up.
They have row counters for people like you!


What kind of knitting needles are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


It's so nice to see that I am my favorite kind of knitting needles. I love my Denises. Yay!

I was in Waldenbooks (partner/sub store/something to Borders) after class today to get the Lirael, Sabriel, and Abhorsen books by Garth Nix after reading about them on Deb's blog. I was happy because they are doing buy 4 paperbacks and get one free so I was wandering listlessly through the store at 2 minutes to closing trying to find 2 more books... in desperation I told my sister to grab something. I can't just not get a free book for lack of finding one I like... I mean, you just need to find one more book and then you will get one free (so really you have to find 2 books but still... FREE) Some sort of chemical explosion goes off in my head when I see BOGOF. Years of being married to a man whose mother is insanely into BOGOF and BOGO deals probably... anyhow. So there I was when I felt this pull. Like a ripple in the Force, compelling me to walk towards the new releases. I obeyed the instinct and waddled right up to the display. As my gaze swept over the same old tired romance novel covers, the not so attractive newly released in their new covers reprints of HP, I saw

Be still my heart! It's a NEW New Jedi Order book! I was so freaking happy I almost cried. (this by the way is a sure sign something's up with my meds, but still @ the same time... I am so attatched to the NJO that I wasn't surprised.) YAY! A continuation. The Joiner King is book 1 of the Dark Nest Trilogy, taking place 5 years after the New Jedi Order ends, which is maybe 35ish years after the Battle of Endor? And after some digging... there will be a 9 part series that is 10-12 years after the NJO that is due to be started in 2006. So... I will not lose my dear friends, Jaina, Jacen, Tenel Ka, Tahiri, Lowbacca, Jagged Fel, and friends. Yay!

I'm back to bed again.

May the force be with you...

wow. I am struggling with a case of the blahs; a bad one. It's the kind that says, "Let's shop our way happy!" only I don't have money so it's blah blah blah for me. Instead of just taking it, I... talked to dh about his film, which he is scared shitless about. Excuse my raw language but it's the truth. He's terrified he's going to screw this up. I can only be there for him and tell him I believe in him. I do. He'll do fine. Besides soothing the savage beast, I finished up my playlist for the ABC CD swap over at craftster.org.

Whew! What a mental workout. I had problems with D, N, Q, U, V, X, and Z. Still 7 out of 26 isn't so bad, when you think about it. I searched high and low and only came up with 3 songs I have
NEVER heard in my life. If you are guessing they are the Q, X, and Z songs, well you'd be right. :)
Queer, XXX Funk, and Zearocks.

It's funny. I will post my playlist later. But I just noticed a funny little coincidence.

Give Me Novacaine, Hit Em Up, I Wanna Be Sedated, Just Like a Pill, Killing Me Softly. The titles work together brilliantly, don't you think? LOL :)

Thank god for iTunes!

ttfn, I am back to the couch for some television therapy.

Angela

PS
This prozac thing is kicking my ass.